My body confidence journey.

Hello friends,

So… I have writers block so please forgive me if this post runs off down 10 different paths, but thanks to one of my beautiful readers who suggested to write about “how to love your body” we will be talking about that today… Even though I don’t have an exact answer or solid advice, I’ll try to maybe share some insight for you on my body confidence journey – because that’s what it is…
Us women are complex creatures, very rarely are we happy with what we have, if you’re a natural blonde you want dark hair, if you have straight hair – you want long hair, if you have big boobs – you want smaller, if you’re tall you want to be short… Well sometimes. But ask any woman what she loves about herself and most will struggle with the answer, ask a woman what she doesn’t love about herself – well friend, sit back because she most likely will have a lengthy list that she can go into great detail about…
I’ll admit I’m very guilty of this, I know with makeup I look decent, I’m very tiny but I hate my butt – I want it more toned, I wish my boobs were just a little bigger – I don’t want to get a boob job though, because honestly my body is trying to kill off a natural part of itself now, bloody hell the whole thing would probably shut down if I shoved something fake into it (THIS video put me off the idea by confirming this can happen), I hate my nose and because I have scoliosis – the sides of my stomach are actually unevenly curved. I have a love hate relationship with my hair but I really like my eyebrows – those things I feel are awesome. And when I say that all I can think of is THIS video (mainly the 1:50 point – HA!) such a ridiculous thing to like – but eh, they look good and they are all natural – sure I fill them in but no one else touches them.
I am confident with my size, I love being petite but I get annoyed that I can’t find clothes I love to fit me and I hate – loathe – the comments that come along with being thin – if you wouldn’t say a similar thing to a larger lady, please don’t say them to me and trust me I eat far more than you probably do. I like that I have really defined facial bones… Once again, another odd thing to like.
But that’s my point, we women are so self critical & focus on such strange things most people in day to day life don’t even notice.
So how do we learn to love our bodies? Ourselves? To stop the negative self talk?
By embracing ourselves, by acknowledging how strong and absolutely incredible our bodies are – I have grown my babies, birthed them and pulled them out of me and onto my chest. My body is absolutely awesome. We as women can do things like that. Women survive a surgery, where they are AWAKE and being cut open to birth babies – I honestly admit I would probably up & die of fear doing that, but so many strong & amazing women do that. Womens bodies are amazing. I am surviving my body trying to kill off  a part of my insides, if your body isn’t doing that – it’s amazing. Ha, I’m joking, kind of not really – but in all seriousness, my body is doing great for surviving all that it’s been through.
Your body doesn’t deserve to hear that you don’t like your ass because it’s a bit too soft or jiggly, or you don’t like those stretch marks – you know the ones you got from growing the little people you love more than life, or that now post babies you don’t love your boobs as much because 18 year old you had awesome boobs but age, gravity, pregnancy and breastfeeding can change that. We need to shift our thinking, if you want to be toned or lose weight – work out and nourish your body with goodness, embrace the fact you’ve created humans and have been able to feed them, accept the fact we all age, change what you can but don’t hate yourself and don’t put yourself down.
Work out what makes you feel good and do more of it. Feel good with your make up on? Wear it. Feel hot in a certain type of shorts? Wear them, buy more of them. Feel confident being tanned? (Who doesn’t) Get tanned more often (fake, not natural)  For me I feel good when my eyebrows are done, I feel people can tell if I’m happy or not and tell if I think they are an idiot (ha!) when I have defined brows so I try to do them daily… It can be a big thing or a small thing, but you know what makes you feel amazing, do more of it.
In today’s world we can change most things about ourselves (fortunately & unfortunately) and if you can’t change it (like my scoliosis – stupid thing) learn to work with it or love it. I don’t recommend going crazy with surgeries or injections to achieve your “ideal look” because the ideal end result will just continue to get more extreme and then the finished product will just look, not great. But heck if you can afford to and want to go get something done, do it. Get braces – whatever. But that all being said, you can do everything to change yourself physically but you won’t love yourself or your body if you don’t change your mindset.
I may have the list of what I don’t “love” but at the same time I don’t really give a damn about those things, they are so trivial most of the time to me. I often get messages on instagram along the lines of “how can you go on stories with no makeup on” – ok sometimes I wish I had thrown some eyebrows on when I’m on a rant, but mainly I don’t really care if I’m not wearing makeup – it’s not a big issue for me. I’m happy with my skin, sure I prefer it with a good layer of double wear smeared on it – but it’s my skin, it’s me. Like the rest of me, God made me this way, I’m tiny, angry, I have freckles, wild hair & good eyebrows. I’m happy with me.
Maybe that comes with age though, because 10-12 years ago I sure as heck wouldn’t have been so confident. I grew up being told I needed to go lay out in the sun and get a tan because I was too pale “remember undo your bikini top so you don’t get back lines” – I was like 13, that I was too pale to wear certain outfits, to “suck my bum” in because it was getting big, to walk with my shoulders back, stomach in and boobs out, things I don’t ever want to repeat to my daughter.
Anyway, 12 years ago, I was not in a great place, I was not surrounded by great people most of the time. I had immersed myself in a toxic world, I *and I cringe as I admit this* did bikini competitions – yes the girl with size 10A boobs – what in the world was I thinking. Idiot. Anyway, I didn’t place in a few competitions and I asked why and that answer went down the path of “you’re boobs are too small, you’re too short, you’re not tanned enough, you aren’t sexy enough, you need the bikinis that cost $100+,  you’re hair isn’t right, you’re smile isn’t pretty enough” and the worst “you’re a bit too fat”.
FUCK OFF.
Coming from a gross fat man himself who preyed on young girls who lacked confidence. I weighed about 40kg probably less actually. I hardly ate because I worked and partied far too hard, and I was being told I was too fat. FAT!
I pray my daughter never is involved in that world, it’s hideous. (FYI I placed 3rd in two competitions eventually)
That stage which thankfully was fairly brief in my life still took a toll on me. My confidence was shot, I tried to make myself feel better about my appearance in the wrong ways, I looked for validation from the wrong people and ended up in relationships I wish I never had, I found myself in scary situations and I walked away from great people because I felt I wasn’t enough. I of course had people trying to save me, but I couldn’t be. I hated myself, I was stubborn and thought the only way to feel pretty was to be wanted.. Sure I was powerful, I ran my life & I became so tough & hard but I was a mess. The best thing I did was leaving that part of my life.
Nearly a decade on, at this point in my life I feel confident in who I am, how I look and dress. It took years to overcome that point in my life and of course I have moments I don’t love how I look – but most of the time I am fairly confident. I know that my style isn’t for everyone, I switch between a Stepford wife & a redneck who has far too many denim shorts & camo caps and I’m fine with it, just like how I am fine with my body.
So I warned you this post was going to go down a bunch of different paths, moral of that one ^^^ don’t do degrading bikini competitions and don’t listen to predatory creeps or really anyone who puts you down. If someone has something negative to say about your body or appearance walk away – occasional loving, constructive criticism is one thing, destroying people is another.

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I am so proud of who I am, my journey maybe hard to retell but it made me who I am.
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Yes, that girl thought she was too fat and had no confidence. I wish I could go back and save her from so much hurt. She deserved better. (Also damn my legs, I wish I was that “fat” now!)

The sooner we learn to love ourselves and our bodies and have a strong sense of self confidence and know we are perfect how we are, the better off we will be. We do not need validation from anyone, doesn’t matter who they are, we need to believe we are amazing. WE NEED TO.
We are safer when we know we are beautiful and we all are, in our own way – that sounds cliche but it’s true. I would’ve avoided a lot of damage from myself and others if I had believed I was fine how I was. But I understand its a constant battle. Even after having LuLu, I was told to buy the garments “to get my figure back” quickly, that for my 30th I could get a boob job, sent links for work outs and told to watch what I eat. My end pregnancy weight was about 10kg less than what an average woman weighs not pregnant – but I was still reminded of how big I was. I understand why so many women & young girls struggle with body confidence, to some people we can never be perfect, it’s exhausting and heartbreaking.
I was told if I cut my hair off I would look like a man and I would lose all my beauty, so you know what I did? I cut off my hair. Because FUCK people and their opinions. And I love my hair short, of course sometimes I want long hair again, but not for more than about 2 minutes. I will do what I want when it comes to myself, I am stronger now than I have ever been in my life and being confident, even slightly cocky with our appearance is important. We are taught as women not to be “up ourselves” that you can’t think you are hot because it’s “wrong” – it’s not. Love your darn self! Because people will always try to rip you apart, you just need to be that extra kind of strong to survive.
I am sorry I don’t have any tips to share with you, because it’s a constant learning journey with our bodies and minds. We are all so individual, but the main thing I want to reinforce is be strong in yourself, change what you can if you really want to, love you for you, love your flaws, love your best bits & work out makes you feel damn good and do more of it. And if you have a daughter, let her hear you talk positively about yourself, teach her to be strong, to be active, to eat healthy but also eat the chocolate cake, that life is about balance and that she is so incredibly beautiful exactly how she is.

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How our Easter really was… {Truth}

How our Easter really was… {Truth}

Hey friends,

It’s Easter Sunday night and I am sitting in bed with my feet up & sipping a cold drink – I’ve just had a soak in a hot bubble bath… Sounds pretty ideal right? Nice and relaxing… What a splendid way to spend an Easter Sunday evening… I really could just leave the post at this and be done with it, but I’ll be honest here and tell you how my Easter Sunday has really gone and why those few basic “self care” things NEEDED to happen.

Let me take you back to Thursday… I woke up to a very odd looking left eye. Like the bottom half my eyeball was blood shot red and it felt swollen… Great. I figured it may have been some random allergy, I had plans to attend an under 8’s day event with LuLu that day and had to get groceries for Good Friday, so it was a busy day – my eye was throbbing in pain but I didn’t have time to deal with it…
In the afternoon we all decide to go to the block to check out the progress on the house and I wanted to stop by the pharmacy and grabbed some eye drops as my eye still wasn’t improving & the pain was very distracting… I spoke to the pharmacist and they told me to go straight to an optometrist because my eye looked very bad… Great. 3:10pm on a Thursday afternoon, before the easter long weekend I had to try and get a last minute appointment in a small town… Thankfully I got an appointment and I was sitting in the waiting room, I get a text from Trent who was waiting in the car for me with the kids and it read; “Have to go home, Tommy has just been sick everywhere”. Here I am freaking out that I can’t race home and console and fix my baby and help clean up, but thankfully Trent is very capable and took care of it all like a champ. I was able to get my eye seen to, get ointment and eye drops… (Turns out a part of my eye was inflamed and started causing another part to deteriorate in a spot… As of Sunday night, it’s doing much better!) 
That night was fairly sleepless as Tommy was unwell and Good Friday was a slow day, just taking care of our little man was our main focus.
(I still got to attend church and then I cooked a delicious dinner of homemade garlic sauce with snapper, rice, prawns, salad and buttered baked potatoes – it all sounds very mismatched but ended up being spot on!) At this point Tommy is on a very bland and simple diet, we couldn’t work out what was going on and continued watching him closely. He was/is acting happy, has energy and is seemingly fine, but randomly is throwing up and it’s not immediately after food or anything… It truly makes no sense…
Saturday rolls around, he only has 3 tiny little spit ups, so I think he must be getting better….
Then….
12:15am Easter Sunday morning… I wake up to warm liquid gushing over my shoulders and chest, I quickly realise it’s my baby, vomiting in his sleep all over me and our bed… I thank God, I honestly said this out loud “thank you for having him beside me right now God”… As I grabbed him and rolled him over so he wouldn’t choke and that’s when he woke up very startled. Thankfully LuLu who was also in the bed was curled up on the other side so she avoided the mess and Trent was working, so I really had to make a survival choice here… I knew to change the sheets I would have to wake LuLu, get her out of bed, turn all the lights on and it would take 5-10 minutes to get everything changed and clean and at this point I was so darn tired & weak I could barely stand… So I just cleaned myself up quickly, changed my top and cleaned Tommy up & threw a towel over the wet sheets… (I have a waterproof protector under my fitted sheet so I knew the mattress would be fine…) Not ideal and sleeping on a towel is something I do not recommend for comfort levels – but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes…
Trent wasn’t due home for like another 2 hours, so I walked and walked up and down the hallway trying to get my little man to settle, I laid in bed, sat on the couch, trying – I tried everything. He would nod off to sleep and then jolt awake… This continued to around 2am, when Trent finally got home and saved me and of course Tommy snuggled right into Trent and fell asleep…
So how did your Easter Sunday start? That good?
We were all up and out of bed before 6:30am.
We had fun doing the egg hunt and sharing in the excitement of new toys!
But Trent and I were both dead tired and bickered at each other a few times over stupid things and our patience was at an all time low. Then we ended up going to the doctors at 9am to get Tommy checked out… (Doctor also is stumped, hoping it’s a very mild form of gastro or a tummy bug presenting in an odd way… But if he worsens or doesn’t improve by Tuesday tests will be done)
I felt like I was running on total empty, I could barely move. I still had to peg out the bed sheets and then remake our bed and do all the other laundry, do groceries and tidy the house. We have sheets and towels everywhere at the moment to try and save our carpet and furniture if he was to be sick, so the state of my home isn’t making me happy either and add on the stress of having a baby (who is very small naturally so he doesn’t have weight to lose) being randomly & unexplainably sick… I was pretty much a wreck. I hate having my kids sick, it breaks my heart especially when it’s making no sense and I can’t “help”.
But I went home, pegged the laundry out, put another load on, tidied myself up, breastfed Tommy and put him to sleep, left Trent to nap/rest and took LuLu and headed to church… To rejoice in the fact He is risen, to listen to truth and just sit and be still… LuLu coloured quietly beside me as I listened about how loved I am and how great He is. I sat there quietly feeling like I was about to collapse – my bones ached and my body felt so weak, I prayed for strength to make it through the day,  for patience & wisdom, I asked our Lord to highlight some glimmers of joy in our day that at the time I just couldn’t find and prayed for the ability to give myself some grace and stop being so hard on myself…
Now church and prayer isn’t magic, it doesn’t instantly & magically fix things, but I always feel comfort at church & after praying. I know He is there, He loves & cares for me.
As we sung the last song at church LuLu wanted me to hold her, she clung to me, her little hands touching my hair and then holding me tightly, her head resting on my shoulder, she hardly ever does this anymore so I enjoyed every second of it – I savoured that moment and soaked it in. Despite feeling like I was too weak to hold her, I swayed gently and sung about our Lord rising from the dead on this day all those years ago and His love for us. He died to save us from our sins and rose 3 days later to give us eternal life, I felt so thankful for this life even the struggles.
For the rest of the day I powered through (I had to, what I didn’t get done today I would have to do on Monday and Trent was back to work then, so doing it while he was home to help me and stay with the kids made sense…) I got the groceries done, the bed made and the laundry finished and folded & put away… I gave myself some grace – we had ham and cheese toasted sandwiches for dinner, not exactly the roast I had planned.
By 4:45pm everyone was tired and our day was done. I vacuumed the floors like I do every night and quickly mopped them and we tucked our babies in bed. I ran a big hot bath with epsom salts and bubble bath and sunk down into it, snacking on a few Easter eggs, my first for the day & sipping cold water.

Then I had a hot shower and for a moment for my tired body felt better but now that I’m out and sitting here on my bed I can feel my bones aching again and I don’t know why, I really can’t explain it. But as soon as I get run down or not enough sleep – my body starts to crash, my bones aching is usually the first sign. It sucks, so I’ve got a cold drink and I’m venting my heart out to you all trying to relieve the stress and disappointment in myself.

Our Easter morning was still magical, we had an egg hunt and the kids loved their gifts. We spent time with a little friend who lives down the street, watched a movie and we spoke to our loved ones on the phone. We read Easter books and played games, Trent and the kids went for a walk around the block with some neighbours, but the enthusiasm on my end wasn’t to the level I like to give my kids, especially on special holidays. It was more on a survival level. That makes me feel disappointed in myself, but I know I have to give myself grace. I’m running on bare minimum sleep, my health isn’t terrific (working on it) and it’s just been a rough few days. There will be other Easters… There will be… And sometimes I think these rough days are blessings in disguise, they are given to us so we can appreciate the beautifully easy days where life just goes to plan that little bit more and also so I can share these stories – share them to encourage you.
No ones life is always perfect, kids get sick, lack of sleeps brings out the worst in everyone and somedays survival mode is all we can muster – occasionally even on special holidays… And that is ok. It is life.
Giving ourselves grace is vital, finding small ways to recharge with self care is vital and knowing it’s only a bad day/week is vital. This isn’t the story of my everyday, it’s a just a story of few hard days – days I probably won’t even remember in a year or 10! I try to remember this when I am struggling, this day will not be a stand out day, it’ll be a blur of the past, one day. I can chose to highlight what went right today and store that away in my mental memory bank or I can dwell on the negatives. I chose to remember the joy and let the hardships fade away.

Friends I hope somehow this rambling of words that have been typed with half closed eyes (so forgive the poor writing) has encouraged you today. Everyday won’t be magic, but there will be glimmers of joy in every single day. I can promise you that, you may just have to look a little harder.
I hope your Easter has been more easy & relaxing than ours!
Happy Easter.
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I just thought I would add as of Monday morning at 11am we have had no more vomits since that midnight incident. Praying to God, touching wood and everything is crossed our Little Mitty is on the mend. We would appreciate any extra prayers, please. He is still on a very bland and simple diet but if he continues to keep everything down until tomorrow morning I will start reintroducing food. I hope this is the end of this awful & confusing sickness! 

Ice Cream Party (29)Ice Cream Party (28)