2019 · 2020 · new year · Uncategorized

2020 {The time to rebuild.}

At the end of 2018 I wrote a great post – I love that post, I stand by it and honestly if you want an uplifting advice post for entering the new year HERE IT IS. That one is solid.
But it never played out for me. Yet, I will be using the same strategies going into this new year.

So lets vaguely rehash the year that I’ve just survived…
2019 – I cannot wait to farewell you. Sure there were sprinklings of good in you, but overall you were painful & a year I don’t ever want to relive.

From the first week of 2019 my world just kind of got a bit shit, well that’s a drastic understatement to be honest.
I promise you I had high hopes going into 2019, everything I wrote in THIS post was truth – but it barely lasted a month. My world fell apart.
During the first month of 2019 I was destroyed & hurt, my mental & emotional health took a huge hit and it all spiralled rapidly downwards and I lost myself. Completely.
This year I’ve dealt with tremendous hurt, my marriage almost ending, being diagnosed with a few new health problems, still being the family asshole because I insist on boundaries in my life, our dear dog passing away, a friendship break up, being in the darkest place I’ve ever been in, making mistakes, being hurt, being angry, being devastated, nearly selling our home – which comes with it’s own heartbreak & stress, becoming a FIFO family, being tremendously heartbroken – all while having very little support but still trying to be “fine”.
I did thankfully have a couple of dear friends who were great this year – but for the majority of this year, I rode it solo. Because everyone has their own problems & they did not need mine, so while some friends knew what was happening – I didn’t feel ok unloading all of my emotions on them. I was always “fine”. I rarely ever was.
I took every hit, hurt & break by myself all while holding our life together & making sure everyone else was doing ok. Because that’s what Mums do. Inside of us is collapsing and failing – but life keeps going – I do not have time to break down, because I had no one else to pick up the pieces. Me falling apart means our life falling apart and my little people didn’t need that at all. That couldn’t and wouldn’t happen. I had no choice but to carry it. Life had to continue as normal. I had to be fine.
This year I felt was almost my last. Almost. There were times I truly questioned why even bother. My sense of value in myself was nonexistent. I felt worthless.
I was destroyed completely, my sense of self, self worth, self love and everything I stood for – was totally obliterated.
There were times I didn’t know what way was up and I felt like I just was watching the car wreck happen. I cried more this year than I have probably ever cried.
For most of 2019 I no longer knew who I was. I lost me. She was gone.
But it turned around. To my surprise.
I couldn’t sell our house – just could not do it. I love our home, I love the people in the home. I love that on the framework of this home are prayers that I wrote for our family, for us – words I truly believe in. I refused to let it go. Perhaps that was a turning point, but things started improving in all areas and they continue to do so.
The details & specifics of everything that took place in 2019 are ours and we owe not one single person any explanation – but I will share we are in a better place and perhaps what happened this year needed to?
I will never understand why this horrific year took place and it pains me to say it but maybe – just maybe God had a plan. A damn bizarre one that I am saying “wtf” to, but hey it’s all come full circle.
I share this because I know this year I was not alone and I don’t want anyone else to feel as alone as I have.
I have known many, MANY women and couples going through really similar struggles. It just seems like 2019 was the year to nearly break us all. I have hardly heard from anyone that “2019 was so wonderful & easy…” – everyone seems to be on the side of saying “hasta la vista 2019, you were a bitch of a year..”

So how am I approaching 2020? What are my resolutions? Goals? What will I improve? What are my expectations?
Well, I will link back toTHIS post and I will steal a section of it because it’s still how I wish to view things…
“In this new year I want to be intentional.
Intentional with my faith, marriage, parenting, words, our money, my choices, my health, my thoughts – just overall be more intentional.”

I believe in second chances. So here is another shot for me to work on that from last year.
But honestly I’m walking into 2020 with no expectations, goals or grand plans for the new year. What will happen, will happen – I know I can’t control it but I know I can handle hard things, because honestly I’m sick of surviving hard years, but it seems to be what gets thrown at me continually. But it does constantly remind me I can do this.
I can survive hard things, on my own.
I am strong, I am determined & I am capable.
Dreaming & wishing – I would love, LOVE an easy year. A year that consisted of very little personal hurt – but like I said “dreaming…”
I’m not setting myself any resolutions “I must do” – I just want me to be ok again. That is my main focus, getting back to me – in whatever way I need to, to whoever that now is.
I can feel myself coming back, but I know I have work to do.
I want to rebuild my confidence, my self worth, my heart, my marriage & my spirit.
So maybe that is a resolution? Just to rebuild. Rebuild it all. Start fresh, make it strong & beautiful.
So I will gladly farewell 2019 tonight and welcome 2020 with an open heart and arms, with the hope to rebuild and the desire to be more intentional with every aspect of my life.
ice cream party

Thank you for sticking with me this year, I know I have been all over the place and a bit of a fyre fest. Your support and kindness means the world.
Thank you.
I pray 2020 is a beautiful & joyful year for you and your family – as hopefully it is for me & mine.
Happy New Year.

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Edit; So I just opened my insta and this post from @momentaryhappiness was the first on my feed. Coincidence – maybe, but it seems fitting and like I was meant to read it after writing all of that. And honestly it made me a bit teary – it felt like a sign, if you believe in that. x

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